I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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