he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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