bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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