dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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