Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize