Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
