yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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