i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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