Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
