He disabled his match.com account in front of me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
