i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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