He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
