I wish I could teleport
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Let's get the cat blown out
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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