I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am midnight drunk by noon
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
