One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
