I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
