Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
