dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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