I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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