I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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