1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
