I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize