If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
