even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
