Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
