i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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