Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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