I cannot find my penis.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
A bitchslap is in order.
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