I met the friendliest cop last night
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
