I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
