can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
