My nipple is on Facebook.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
