hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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