there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
