Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I want her autograph on my taint
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Randomize