on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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