if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
