I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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