Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
