I murdered the dance floor call the cops
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
