It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
