I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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