Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
