But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
