so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
