When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
