i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
