I think scott just propositioned me for sex
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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