I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
