just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
