Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
