Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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