I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
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