I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
