My hand turned me down
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
