How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
