do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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