I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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