and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
