I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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