i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
