You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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