i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
